My (Doomed) Experiment

this will be a less obscured post

I'm trying something new today. I'm avoiding doing what I feel like doing. I feel that I have lost control, to some degree, of what I feel like doing, and I am experimenting with regaining control of it. I am forcing myself into a decent routine for the day, and hopefully tomorrow.

This practice is not for the sake of forming a routine!

I am conducting an experiment, so see if, once the emotional mind is convinced that it is impossible to get what it wants, then does it alter its desire to something that it thinks that it can get.

Consider that.

If the desire of the mind can be controlled consciously, then man can take fuller responsibility over life.

This must seem a moot point. I don't think it's something that most of us keep in mind daily, however.

I hear myself preaching, but really, this is not a submittal to structure!

It is actually just an experiment. I'm trying something new; exploring different behaviours of the mind. My hypothesis is that the mind will indeed alter its desire to something that it thinks that it can get. This has to be because at the essence of the mind's purpose is simply a desire to be what it thinks is happy, and deciding to want something that it knows it will not get is tantamount to deciding, itself, upon its own certain dissatisfaction.

Of course I'm only including non-material desires here, like if I want Chinese food, and I'm sick of Italian, I'll order a pizza, just to see how the mind behaves. If the mind wants to pee, I'll surely go pee, though.

If, at the end of my experiment, I decide that my hypothesis is correct, then that would mean that the mind has a mind of its own, and it may have been working against us from the very beginning... Bastard mind.

Of course there is a bit of humor in this, I'm laughing while I'm writing :-) . If one thinks more seriously about this, however, one may gain something.

Also, since Nick and Alex are coming in on Friday, and will be here for slightly less than a week, it's likely that this experiment will not reach completion, and will have to be repeated after they leave and after I, again, gather enough energy and motivation to try something quite as daunting as this.

the quest for freedom from the forces of physics (including religious and metaphysical ponderings and such) is a superfluous activity carried out by physical entities (humans, in the special case continually under scrutiny), but existence of these entities is physical

or is it not purely so? are we more than our physical selves? anyway, that's a more fundamental question, and far too fundamental to submit itself to an intellectual discussion. it is one that is only addressed via experience, and possibly hard to convey. we return to the present discussion.

the quest for freedom from the forces of physics is an activity, carried out by biological physical entities, that is entirely superfluous for biological and physical existence. but this ritualistic activity is only performed by such biological physical entities, whose operability is only a gift of physical nature, the very thing against which this rebellion is carried out. It is maintained, without further discussion at present, that life, in general, and humankind, the flagship of which, is the most sophisticated fruit of causal physical nature.

The glaring contradiction: The outcome of increasingly sophisticated physical operations is an effort to overcome these same. Why?

I don't mean to raise question against the value, validity, or importance of this quest, but to only bring this contradiction into light. We can most swiftly arrive at answers only by addressing this contradiction. The answer is not Religion. The various (but vastly identical) religions of man provide non-physical, abstract, self-fulfilling, unverifiable answers to these questions and contradictions, and, when scrutinized, go even further to coalesce into a circular structure that is almost deliberately tautological. Only if you're a true believer will you know God, and then you'll realize how important it is to know God, and you'll become a good person. If you want be a good person, then become a true believer. These religions simultaneously claim to glorify the superiority of man over his limiting physical nature, while providing answers that cause this thirst for freedom to subside by promising it in the afterlife; they impair their very object of glorification.

So leaving religion to the side (a desperate request), we return to the paradigm being exposed here: Physics, itself, inducing the Strife Against Physics. The questions that this raises are the following:

1. Is there some self-motivated energy that, first, through the emergence of matter, then, through the emergence of life, then, through the emergence of man, is striving to somehow express itself? Is this the same energy that we sometimes sense and identify as Beauty?
2. Is it appropriate for the agents of this energy, the knights of this (un-?)holy quest, to maintain some degree of humility and bow an acknowledgment to their physical nature, in light of the fact that without it, their battle would have no horses, no swords and shields, and maybe not even a battlefield? We fight in the enemy's country; we must respect and heed the terrain.

and life continues to tempt me with falling into it's structure

and I continue to press against that physical reality, the only reality that I actually know

continue to push it's limits, continue to pretend to tell it to fuck off

but some point will come, when I have to swallow

when I have to say, yes, I admit my physical nature, and I admit that I am a subject of this physical reality, and though structure is violent, that degree of violence is, at the end, essential.

at the end, even I will bow down and pray to structure

but I know that my spent energy will not go forgotten, that it will be remembered as a holy martyr

I know that I will be legendary, the most valiant warrior known to humankind, in this infinite war between humanity and physical nature.

I've spent much energy revolting against it, successfully, and at this point, there is no structure left in my life

and as I continue to break and tear apart any residue of the same, I fall deeper and deeper in love with myself.

Solitude is the revealer of all things. This is why we fear it so. Solitude allows experience of the self. Experience of the self is alien. How odd; none is more alien than the experience of self. Beauty is a window into the true self, the selfless self. Beauty is the only venue of self-experience outside of solitude. Beauty is hahahhahahaha.... Beauty........ let her, who has no need, come to me out of despiration....... beauty. Desire without need. What is desire. Is there such? A desire without need? That desire is beauty. There is beauty, and there is death; there is nothing else. Sex is fusion, nothing else. If not, then it is filth. Neither pleasure nor solitude is bliss. Bliss is only pleasure in solitude.

The only thing in this world worth loving is Reality, Truth.

If something painful is revealed, love that pain as a child, a child born of you and Truth.

K. Shah